1 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:12,000 Read about the things that happen throughout the world. 2 00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:17,480 Don't believe in everything you see or hear. 3 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:43,700 And welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O'Brien. Joining us this week are Sarah 4 00:00:43,700 --> 00:00:48,560 Pascoe, Rhys James and Emmanuel Sanubi, Zoe Lyons, Ed Byrne and Glenn Moore. 5 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:57,740 We can start tonight with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The 6 00:00:57,740 --> 00:01:00,820 Question? On the board are six categories. Emmanuel, which category 7 00:01:00,820 --> 00:01:01,679 would you like? 8 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:05,480 I'm going with home news. Okay, your topic is home news. 9 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:09,560 The answer is 379 years. What is the question? 10 00:01:10,030 --> 00:01:11,830 How old is Morgan Freeman really? 11 00:01:14,210 --> 00:01:17,870 Is it just to be safe, what is the minimum age on Andrew's dating apps now? 12 00:01:20,130 --> 00:01:23,510 Is it how much older do my testicles look than the rest of me? 13 00:01:25,290 --> 00:01:27,990 Is it how old would my great-great-great-grandad be if he 14 00:01:27,990 --> 00:01:28,990 wasn't such a pussy? 15 00:01:32,530 --> 00:01:35,470 I went early with that one. I'm quite surprised that they liked it. 16 00:01:37,090 --> 00:01:41,420 Is it how long would it take... Pee did it to run out of baby oil. 17 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:46,900 Is it, how long would my great-great-grandad take to run out of 18 00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:48,020 baby oil if he wasn't such a pussy? 19 00:01:49,860 --> 00:01:53,440 Is it, how old would you are Oliver Cromwell's library books? 20 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:57,600 Oliver Cromwell, that'll work. 21 00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:01,540 Is it, when does a vampire start puberty? 22 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,940 Is it, how old are my oldest knickers? 23 00:02:13,670 --> 00:02:16,150 Is it, how much history has happened in the past week? 24 00:02:17,690 --> 00:02:21,390 Is it, how long will it be before America can look back on this period and 25 00:02:21,390 --> 00:02:22,390 laugh? 26 00:02:24,170 --> 00:02:27,150 How long would the Hundred Years' War take now that everyone's got ADHD? 27 00:02:30,230 --> 00:02:36,510 How long have I been learning to speak Klingon? 28 00:02:41,710 --> 00:02:43,650 Do you frequently do rural bus services, Ron? 29 00:02:45,230 --> 00:02:46,990 Is it? What does a parent say? 30 00:02:48,650 --> 00:02:51,090 I've got my finger on the hot topics of the week. 31 00:02:52,470 --> 00:02:56,910 Is it, if I do my Nelson Mandela impression, how long will it be before 32 00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:57,970 I'm allowed back on the television? 33 00:02:58,990 --> 00:03:00,430 Do it, do it. 34 00:03:01,350 --> 00:03:03,250 I've been working on this for some time, Ed. 35 00:03:03,890 --> 00:03:05,230 I really want to see that now. 36 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:12,100 How long it used to feel in between Christmases before we grew up and 37 00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:13,440 realized we had to pay for it? 38 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,060 Do you have the correct answer, please? 39 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,260 It's the last time a royal was arrested. 40 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:20,940 It's absolutely right. Thank you very much, Ray. 41 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:26,940 Yes, the test I was looking for was... 42 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,580 When was the last time a senior royal was arrested? 43 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:32,920 Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor was arrested for suspicion of misconduct in public 44 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:37,940 office. The last royal arrest was on Charles I in 1647 for high treason. He 45 00:03:37,940 --> 00:03:40,280 was later convicted and executed for the crime. 46 00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:45,080 When you're not laughing, you're learning. 47 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:50,440 Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has consistently denied any wrongdoing. 48 00:03:51,140 --> 00:03:52,800 Yeah, he would, though, wouldn't he? 49 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:56,760 Yes, for... 50 00:03:57,260 --> 00:04:00,960 Possibly revealing details when he was a trade envoy. A job that I remember us 51 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:05,440 talking about years ago in the show in a kind of a, oh, is he a trade envoy now, 52 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:06,039 is he? 53 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,420 Whereas now we have to go, he was a trade envoy. 54 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:13,100 It's just busy work, isn't it? A trade envoy. 55 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:14,720 It's like, what else are we going to do with him? 56 00:04:15,060 --> 00:04:17,839 It's the equivalent of sending the apprentice to go and get a bubble for 57 00:04:17,839 --> 00:04:18,839 the spirit level. 58 00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:21,640 Go and get a tin of tartan paint. 59 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:24,380 Oi, Andrew, go and be a trade envoy. 60 00:04:26,220 --> 00:04:28,920 To be fair to him, if you look at this picture, this was obviously a very 61 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,800 stressful day, and he's not sweating. So maybe he was telling the truth. 62 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:36,920 Everybody's praising this photographer for getting the snap that nobody else 63 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:37,559 could get. 64 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:42,100 The first thing you learn how to do with editing software is red-eye reduction. 65 00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,260 I couldn't even manage that. 66 00:04:46,740 --> 00:04:48,100 This picture as well. 67 00:04:48,590 --> 00:04:52,430 uh that the guard was actually saying that there was a problem with the button 68 00:04:52,430 --> 00:04:55,670 trying to let them out that's why they were stuck there for so long i've been 69 00:04:55,670 --> 00:05:00,010 what a lie he just said again no i am pressing it did you get the pitch here 70 00:05:00,010 --> 00:05:06,390 it's one of these oops 71 00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:15,720 No, I genuinely can at any time. 72 00:05:16,180 --> 00:05:17,640 I don't have to do it just over there. 73 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:19,060 I can do it at any time. 74 00:05:19,460 --> 00:05:23,480 But I choose not to. That's real power. 75 00:05:26,180 --> 00:05:28,320 What's mad about this whole thing, though, is he's been arrested, but he's 76 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,160 been arrested for misconduct. Don't you dare. 77 00:05:31,860 --> 00:05:33,640 Do you want to go up for misconduct in public? 78 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:38,440 To be fair with this photo, there aren't many of us to get to see what we'd look 79 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,000 like in an open casket, do we? 80 00:05:44,590 --> 00:05:46,770 Just thinking how annoying it is to be stuck in trafficking. 81 00:05:50,130 --> 00:05:52,830 But it feels like they just keep taking things from him. 82 00:05:53,250 --> 00:05:55,670 And you keep going, surely that's everything now. 83 00:05:55,910 --> 00:05:58,670 And then just this week, having stripped him of his royal titles, having stripped 84 00:05:58,670 --> 00:06:03,250 him of all his military ranks, they've suddenly come out with, oh, we might 85 00:06:03,250 --> 00:06:06,250 also stop him from his line of succession to the throne. 86 00:06:06,780 --> 00:06:08,140 Which he still has. 87 00:06:08,780 --> 00:06:13,620 He's still eight in line to the throne. So maybe we'll take... He's like the bad 88 00:06:13,620 --> 00:06:15,100 guy at the end of a horror film. 89 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:17,360 You just think you've got... Oh, here he comes again. 90 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,120 He's done. 91 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:23,680 He's currently eight in line for the throne, and soon he'll be eight in line 92 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:24,680 for the phone. 93 00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:30,960 If we get taken out of the succession, we all get to move up one, don't we? 94 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:32,000 Yeah, yeah. 95 00:06:34,670 --> 00:06:36,850 Unless he's reinserted further down the line. 96 00:06:37,750 --> 00:06:41,030 Because it was early in the morning, wasn't it, that they arrived? And 97 00:06:41,030 --> 00:06:45,050 they're saying, oh, he could have been in bed. And I can't not imagine him in 98 00:06:45,050 --> 00:06:48,470 bed with the police at the foot of his bed and him just thinking, one of these 99 00:06:48,470 --> 00:06:49,470 is Michael McIntyre. 100 00:06:51,990 --> 00:06:56,130 All of it's very circumstantial because they don't actually know. 101 00:06:56,690 --> 00:07:00,010 They say that he could have been in bed, he could have been having breakfast, but 102 00:07:00,010 --> 00:07:01,010 all of it... 103 00:07:01,130 --> 00:07:02,130 Sounds really creepy. 104 00:07:02,730 --> 00:07:04,910 He could have been eating an egg. 105 00:07:05,670 --> 00:07:11,190 It is bound to have an impact on his mental health, isn't it? Because you 106 00:07:11,190 --> 00:07:13,850 know what they say about the Duke of York, you know, when he was up, he was 107 00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:14,850 up. 108 00:07:16,410 --> 00:07:20,570 When he's down. I mean, Ronald also was notable about the timing of the arrest. 109 00:07:20,750 --> 00:07:21,750 Oh, he was right there. 110 00:07:22,230 --> 00:07:26,310 Do you reckon when he got arrested and they said date of birth and he said it, 111 00:07:26,310 --> 00:07:28,370 they were like, that's a date of happy birth? 112 00:07:31,050 --> 00:07:33,770 Well, what's the main thing that you want on your birthday? That the whole 113 00:07:33,770 --> 00:07:34,770 day is about you. 114 00:07:35,050 --> 00:07:37,990 And that couldn't have happened in a more extreme way. 115 00:07:38,770 --> 00:07:40,150 Everyone's talking about you today. 116 00:07:40,370 --> 00:07:42,690 Congratulations. Well, I think it's quite sweet. Apparently when they 117 00:07:42,690 --> 00:07:45,850 knocked down the door, they went, have you got anything to say in your defense? 118 00:07:48,270 --> 00:07:52,110 I'm just waiting for this to come out on 24 hours on Police Cuff today. That's 119 00:07:52,110 --> 00:07:53,110 what I'm watching. 120 00:07:53,410 --> 00:07:57,530 It's going to be the best episode ever. Because he will do it, because he'll 121 00:07:57,530 --> 00:08:00,230 think, oh, I'll wait for me to get my side of the story out. 122 00:08:01,790 --> 00:08:04,850 It's the same with Prince Andrew's staff. It came out that their nickname 123 00:08:04,850 --> 00:08:06,970 for him was the word C-U-N-T. 124 00:08:08,710 --> 00:08:12,030 I wonder what they're trying to say about him. I wish I could crack one 125 00:08:12,030 --> 00:08:13,030 kind. 126 00:08:13,810 --> 00:08:16,330 What way has the staff reduced? 127 00:08:16,810 --> 00:08:18,770 Skeleton crew? He has, he has. 128 00:08:20,790 --> 00:08:24,490 It's chef and valet, apparently. A chef and a valet being described as a 129 00:08:24,490 --> 00:08:26,950 skeleton crew, that's still more than my crew. 130 00:08:29,090 --> 00:08:32,370 Because they haven't actually hired this valet yet, have they? Do you know what 131 00:08:32,370 --> 00:08:34,270 they should do? They should do a reality show about it. 132 00:08:34,630 --> 00:08:37,890 They should make a reality show called Ain't No Valet Low Enough. 133 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,180 Moving on, what has Nigel Farage recently announced? 134 00:08:48,500 --> 00:08:51,400 It's not his shadow cabinet because he's not the official opposition. 135 00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:57,900 He's just announced what jobs he's given to the various conservative MPs. Yes, 136 00:08:57,940 --> 00:08:58,940 during his party. 137 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:02,860 And just so they don't get too spooked, this is them in the most conservative 138 00:09:02,860 --> 00:09:04,360 cosplay situation. 139 00:09:05,580 --> 00:09:08,280 It does look like Farage is going, what's that? That looks like, oh it is, 140 00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:09,300 it's a bottle of piss. 141 00:09:10,460 --> 00:09:13,480 That's him doing his favourite film, E.T. Go Home. 142 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:17,760 Who's the guy next on the right of him? Is that Rupert? 143 00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:21,580 It's Richard Tite. Richard Tite. Because all of them look happy, except Richard 144 00:09:21,580 --> 00:09:23,620 Tite, who looks like he's sort of in Jurassic Park. 145 00:09:25,020 --> 00:09:28,380 And the rest of them are going, no, it's okay, Richard, the dinosaurs will vote 146 00:09:28,380 --> 00:09:29,380 for us. 147 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:34,200 I love the way they do the thing of taking a successful TV show and then 148 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,820 just franchising it to different cities. 149 00:09:36,260 --> 00:09:38,260 This is succession, Croydon. 150 00:09:40,460 --> 00:09:43,160 I should just say, Tories, clearance sale. 151 00:09:45,469 --> 00:09:48,390 It's mad that Reform are so obsessed with the past they're trying to get the 152 00:09:48,390 --> 00:09:49,610 previous cabinet elected. 153 00:09:50,350 --> 00:09:54,970 It's the exact same thing, isn't it? This is the Tory party. Same colours, 154 00:09:55,130 --> 00:09:56,150 they've just changed the name. 155 00:09:56,370 --> 00:10:00,910 It's like when everyone knew Hermes was so shit that they changed it to Every. 156 00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:06,270 We wouldn't notice that we're still getting our parcels four days late and 157 00:10:06,270 --> 00:10:07,270 they smell of piss. 158 00:10:07,830 --> 00:10:10,010 Are you saying this would be T.G. Jones? 159 00:10:12,590 --> 00:10:16,250 I think you might have. That just really irritates me, T.G. Jones. Like, they 160 00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:17,950 moved everything one to the left. 161 00:10:19,150 --> 00:10:21,250 You've got a classier reference point than me, I'm going to say. 162 00:10:21,650 --> 00:10:24,590 I don't know what you're talking about. What? W.A. Smith is now called T.G. 163 00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:25,249 Jones? What? 164 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:26,250 What? 165 00:10:26,330 --> 00:10:30,090 We thought it was an Irish thing. No! 166 00:10:31,430 --> 00:10:33,230 By the way, it was T.G.I. Friday. No! 167 00:10:34,350 --> 00:10:37,750 They split the company, and the only way they were making money was their travel 168 00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:41,110 business, so they split it away, and they moved all the stuff that we used. 169 00:10:41,110 --> 00:10:44,550 How can they be making money at those service stations for only charging £5 170 00:10:44,550 --> 00:10:45,790 for a litre of milk? 171 00:10:46,050 --> 00:10:47,050 That's incredible. 172 00:10:47,870 --> 00:10:50,870 It's now called T.G. Jones, but they've done it with the same font and the same 173 00:10:50,870 --> 00:10:52,870 thing. This is T.G. Jones, basically, yeah. 174 00:10:53,290 --> 00:10:55,470 Am I bringing this news to the table? 175 00:10:55,750 --> 00:10:57,530 This is crazy. This is the news. 176 00:10:58,010 --> 00:11:02,830 This is the bit that'll go in. This is the bit that's going to be all over. 177 00:11:02,910 --> 00:11:09,730 instagram hello tick tock uh sheeple it's pg jones now in 178 00:11:09,730 --> 00:11:14,450 the w8 smith and color to be there my mind is absolutely blows because even 179 00:11:14,450 --> 00:11:18,590 with that before that obviously they're going it's not hermes it's been saying 180 00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:23,590 that blew my mind did anyone else not know that i didn't know that and then 181 00:11:23,590 --> 00:11:28,010 this has happened i was like this is too much what else has changed well walworth 182 00:11:28,010 --> 00:11:29,010 is gone have you heard 183 00:11:37,349 --> 00:11:41,270 Yes, this show was recorded before the results of the Gorton and Denton by 184 00:11:41,270 --> 00:11:45,450 -election, as which you will know now because you brought a newspaper in T.G. 185 00:11:45,450 --> 00:11:46,450 Jones. 186 00:11:48,310 --> 00:11:52,190 Moving on. What major changes to the UK drug laws might Green Party's Zach 187 00:11:52,190 --> 00:11:53,190 Polanski be proposing? 188 00:11:53,430 --> 00:11:58,670 Oh, he wants to decriminalise... Decriminalise, yeah. A-list, A-list, A 189 00:11:58,670 --> 00:12:01,070 -class drugs? Yeah, not A-list. A-list drugs. 190 00:12:07,939 --> 00:12:10,820 It's all come a bit too late for me, though, with this. I mean, this would 191 00:12:10,820 --> 00:12:14,360 have been exciting news, I think, in my 30s. But now, if I'm at a party, I'm the 192 00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:16,820 one chopping up the drugs using my National Trust membership card. 193 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:23,180 And it's Ivor Brufen, so... It's funny, though, that, like he said, something 194 00:12:23,180 --> 00:12:25,440 about possibly decriminalising or dealing with drugs in a different way, 195 00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:29,120 which somebody would have jumped on in a... What?! You want to inject heroin 196 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:31,240 into our children's eyeballs?! What are you doing?! 197 00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:34,310 Them and the Labour Party. I think it could save the high street. 198 00:12:35,990 --> 00:12:38,450 The high street is basically just a vape shop now. 199 00:12:38,790 --> 00:12:41,910 So you make all drugs legal, then you could just have sort of ketamine 200 00:12:41,910 --> 00:12:43,210 emporiums and stuff like that. 201 00:12:43,610 --> 00:12:46,710 You know, T.G. Jones. The T.G. stands for the ganja. 202 00:12:49,710 --> 00:12:52,110 You're really taking this new information and running with it. 203 00:12:52,970 --> 00:12:56,890 Are you jonesing for a fix? 204 00:12:59,470 --> 00:13:02,310 based on this show with how many adults we have. Yeah. 205 00:13:02,750 --> 00:13:06,810 They're up in the corporate hospitality box going, all of our spend went on this 206 00:13:06,810 --> 00:13:07,810 podcast. 207 00:13:07,850 --> 00:13:11,010 It's better work out, you know. Now we call it WH Spliff. 208 00:13:13,070 --> 00:13:16,830 I can't laugh around. It's going to Zoe Eddington. 209 00:13:19,230 --> 00:13:22,610 Join us after the break for more. 210 00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:35,180 Now we play a game called, You Think That's Bad? 211 00:13:35,540 --> 00:13:38,620 In a world where everything seems to be going wrong, this is a chance for a 212 00:13:38,620 --> 00:13:41,540 performance to compete, to outdo each other with tales of woe from their 213 00:13:41,540 --> 00:13:45,160 lives, and I decide whose is the worst. Anyone care to start us off? 214 00:13:45,460 --> 00:13:49,120 I had to go to a gender reveal party the other day, and they are hacky as hell, 215 00:13:49,180 --> 00:13:50,180 and they make me sick. 216 00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:53,600 Like, physically, I got ill from one. My cousin's pregnant, she was having a 217 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:56,680 gulf. All the food at the gender reveal party was, like, pink on the inside. 218 00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,720 That chicken burger is the hardest to have a shit on. 219 00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:04,320 My parents had a gender reveal party for me, which was hurtful because I was 11 220 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:05,320 at the time. 221 00:14:06,660 --> 00:14:07,980 We've gathered the evidence. 222 00:14:08,580 --> 00:14:12,020 And we feel 60-40. 223 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:18,560 Okay, well, do you think that's bad? I was involved off and on with a topical 224 00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:22,660 comedy panel show on TV for many, many years, and then they suddenly introduced 225 00:14:22,660 --> 00:14:24,640 a round I still haven't got a handle on. 226 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,800 Pretty, yeah, pretty, yeah. It's been serious when that happens. 227 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:34,220 I used to go to a particular newsagent and then, well, they just changed their 228 00:14:34,220 --> 00:14:35,220 name. 229 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:41,620 You think that's bad? I've got an iPad that works on facial recognition that 230 00:14:41,620 --> 00:14:44,300 won't allow me in before 11.30 in the morning now. 231 00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:53,100 That refuses, Dara. I have to lie on my back and let the face reveal the troll. 232 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:57,580 Is that why Andrew was leaning back in the car? You think he wanted to use the 233 00:14:57,580 --> 00:14:58,580 troll? 234 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:00,740 I've let me into my bones. 235 00:15:00,940 --> 00:15:01,960 You think that's bad? 236 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:06,320 I haven't married so long that I actually booked myself a prostate exam 237 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:08,180 for Valentine's Day just to feel something. 238 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:16,620 Why did you make it become this? 239 00:15:17,980 --> 00:15:20,020 The gentle observations are at life. 240 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:26,580 There's a cry for help. You think that's bad? I did my first shift as a prostate 241 00:15:26,580 --> 00:15:27,580 doctor this day. 242 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:35,040 You think that's bad? I went to a gym on the roads, and not my gym, and their 243 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,240 dumbbells only went up to 50 kilos. 244 00:15:40,180 --> 00:15:43,100 We've all had that struggle. 245 00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:44,540 What the hell is this? 246 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:45,760 Why are you running here? 247 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:47,680 A gym for ants! 248 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:50,240 You think that's bad? 249 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:54,200 Last year, I got run over by a stretch limo for three-quarters of an hour. 250 00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:59,820 Do you think that's bad? One of my closest friends recently got arrested on 251 00:15:59,820 --> 00:16:00,820 his birthday. 252 00:16:03,460 --> 00:16:04,460 Do you think that's bad? 253 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:07,860 I don't actually know what my wife does for a living, and I feel it's too late 254 00:16:07,860 --> 00:16:08,860 to ask. 255 00:16:11,140 --> 00:16:12,140 She's on OnlyFans. 256 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,400 Do you think that's bad? 257 00:16:14,620 --> 00:16:16,300 I'm going to win this now. Do you think that's bad? 258 00:16:16,660 --> 00:16:19,560 My son is toilet trained. He has been for a long time. He doesn't have 259 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,320 accidents. Sometimes he shits on the floor for fun. 260 00:16:23,459 --> 00:16:26,960 My reaction, okay? So we spoke to a child psychologist. Apparently, when you 261 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,980 want your child to stop doing something, you're supposed to not react when they 262 00:16:29,980 --> 00:16:30,980 do it. 263 00:16:31,020 --> 00:16:33,580 I'm not that good an actor. I don't think that Judi Dench could turn the 264 00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:35,420 other cheek when someone was shitting on her carpet. 265 00:16:36,460 --> 00:16:40,220 So when he does it, I scream, and I run towards it, and I pick it up as quickly 266 00:16:40,220 --> 00:16:42,280 as I can, you know, sometimes with my bare hands. 267 00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:46,700 No, before you dare judge me, if I don't get it quickly, the dog eats it. 268 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,280 I'm here to do show business. 269 00:16:51,950 --> 00:16:52,950 I think you win. 270 00:16:54,210 --> 00:16:59,930 At the end of that, the point goes to Emmanuel Rinson-Clara. 271 00:17:04,089 --> 00:17:07,250 The next round is called 24 Hours in Police Custody. 272 00:17:08,910 --> 00:17:14,609 This game involves Glenn and Emmanuel, so if you could make your way to the 273 00:17:14,609 --> 00:17:17,670 performance area, please. This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the wheel 274 00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:20,690 of news, and whoever chooses to stop one of our performers must step forward. 275 00:17:21,050 --> 00:17:23,810 talk about that subject. The winner is whoever I think is the funniest. 276 00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:26,849 Okay, here we go. Our first topic, please. Let's spin the wheel. 277 00:17:28,390 --> 00:17:30,210 The first topic is human behavior. 278 00:17:30,730 --> 00:17:31,730 Manuel. 279 00:17:33,390 --> 00:17:37,970 Human behavior, I think, is a very interesting thing. Now, for me, I used 280 00:17:37,970 --> 00:17:38,970 to play a lot of rugby. 281 00:17:39,390 --> 00:17:45,010 And now that I don't play rugby, I'm only realizing now how what we would 282 00:17:45,010 --> 00:17:48,370 call normal behavior as rugby players is apparently very different. 283 00:17:48,910 --> 00:17:50,650 to what everyone else calls normal behaviour. 284 00:17:51,230 --> 00:17:54,370 We all know, well, most people know the Guinness game. The Guinness game where 285 00:17:54,370 --> 00:17:58,950 you take your first swig and you try and split the G is the plan. Rugby players, 286 00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:00,690 we play them differently, I found out. 287 00:18:00,910 --> 00:18:05,390 When I was out with some friends, I say friends, I'd just met the dude, but 288 00:18:05,390 --> 00:18:08,830 we're drinking Guinness, so it means we're brothers now, and he asked me to 289 00:18:08,830 --> 00:18:10,730 watch his drink. 290 00:18:11,470 --> 00:18:14,910 So I said yes, and he went to the toilet, and the moment he left, I put my 291 00:18:14,910 --> 00:18:15,910 balls in his pint. 292 00:18:18,740 --> 00:18:22,700 Which, I think, is completely normal behaviour. And I can see some of the 293 00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:24,900 reactions. There's some of you here that disagree. 294 00:18:27,380 --> 00:18:32,200 Shockingly, so did he. When he came back, he was furious. I was like, you 295 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:35,840 asked me to. Obviously not with many words, but you gave me a pint. 296 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:39,200 I was like, who does that? And he was like, we're at a christening. And I 297 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,200 thought... 298 00:18:43,310 --> 00:18:47,830 I love a prank, but my issue is I can't play pranks. Like, I shouldn't play 299 00:18:47,830 --> 00:18:53,690 pranks. I'm far too big to play pranks. Like, I can't jump out on anyone. 300 00:18:55,810 --> 00:18:57,290 It's not funny when I do it. 301 00:18:58,410 --> 00:19:00,170 Some of you will jump out on your friends. 302 00:19:00,670 --> 00:19:02,690 Banter. I do it. It's GBH. 303 00:19:04,250 --> 00:19:08,210 But I like... Pranks, and famously one that I got in trouble, I say famously, 304 00:19:08,370 --> 00:19:09,830 it's why I'm not allowed at that school. 305 00:19:11,990 --> 00:19:15,650 My son's school, when he first started primary school, I missed the whole first 306 00:19:15,650 --> 00:19:21,450 month because I was way on the road. So I was gutted, I wanted to be there, and 307 00:19:21,450 --> 00:19:24,530 this was my first time doing the school collection, so I was excited. 308 00:19:25,470 --> 00:19:28,790 I was the only parent outside the school. I got there early. And one of 309 00:19:28,790 --> 00:19:31,690 the teachers came out, and quite rightly so, she'd never seen me before. 310 00:19:31,890 --> 00:19:35,590 She said, afternoon, so which one of these lovely children are you here to 311 00:19:35,590 --> 00:19:36,590 take home with you today? 312 00:19:36,730 --> 00:19:39,190 And I couldn't help myself. I said, I don't know yet. 313 00:19:45,510 --> 00:19:46,510 It's funny. 314 00:19:47,850 --> 00:19:49,710 The police didn't think so, it was weird. 315 00:19:56,300 --> 00:19:58,620 Okay, that leaves us with Glenn. Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the 316 00:19:58,620 --> 00:19:59,620 wheel. 317 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:01,840 It's motivation. 318 00:20:04,460 --> 00:20:07,780 I wasn't very motivated when I was growing up. I was quite an ungrateful 319 00:20:07,780 --> 00:20:11,060 kid, even though I got to grow up in the 90s and noughties. I thought everything 320 00:20:11,060 --> 00:20:13,440 in the 90s was boring and predictable. 321 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:16,700 I'd be like, well, music in the 90s is so predictable, and movies are so 322 00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:20,060 predictable, and TV is so predictable. Every Saturday night, you turn the TV, 323 00:20:20,140 --> 00:20:22,020 and oh, surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise. 324 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,260 Even though I had a perfectly nice childhood, my parents were always very, 325 00:20:26,300 --> 00:20:28,440 very loving. They were always very supportive. Every time it was my 326 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:31,700 birthday, they'd throw a big party. They'd always invite the local kids' 327 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:33,600 entertainer. Typo the Clown. 328 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:34,800 We'd have fun. 329 00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:40,280 Maybe because I had quite an antisocial family. Very antisocial family when I 330 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:43,240 was growing up. We never wanted guests or visitors. We used to hide the welcome 331 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:44,240 mat under the spare key. 332 00:20:46,810 --> 00:20:49,170 Or maybe you didn't want to see people because we lived in quite a bad area. I 333 00:20:49,170 --> 00:20:51,670 knew it was a shit area. At least I knew it was a shit area. Some of you might 334 00:20:51,670 --> 00:20:54,410 live in a part of town. You can't make up your mind as to whether or not your 335 00:20:54,410 --> 00:20:57,410 area is nice or shit. I've worked out the best way to determine if your area 336 00:20:57,410 --> 00:20:59,030 is nice or shit. Have a think to yourself. 337 00:20:59,230 --> 00:21:03,390 If there was a zombie apocalypse tomorrow, how quickly would you realise? 338 00:21:05,430 --> 00:21:08,150 As long as you live in a cotswold, you'd look out your window one morning and be 339 00:21:08,150 --> 00:21:10,730 like, well, I can see a bin tipped on its side and I can hear a car alarm in 340 00:21:10,730 --> 00:21:11,549 the distance. 341 00:21:11,550 --> 00:21:12,550 Something's afoot. 342 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,760 I've been Croydon every single day of my life. I'll be like, oh, a guy in a 343 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,460 tattered suit just bit me in Aldi. We go again, we go again. 344 00:21:20,060 --> 00:21:22,360 Best way to work out of your area is shit. Go out to the middle of your road 345 00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:24,480 with a loudspeaker at two in the morning, say, come out with your hands 346 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:25,660 up and see how many people do. 347 00:21:28,110 --> 00:21:29,670 I get jealous of people who are motivated. 348 00:21:29,990 --> 00:21:32,910 You know, you look at celebrities when they become world-class in, like, more 349 00:21:32,910 --> 00:21:35,210 than one job. You look at someone like Lady Gaga. You go, oh, my God, 350 00:21:35,230 --> 00:21:38,390 incredible world-class singer. Also, Oscar-nominated actor. How have you 351 00:21:38,390 --> 00:21:41,930 become world-class in two separate jobs? And there's no link between... I mean, 352 00:21:41,950 --> 00:21:44,510 sometimes you even look at a celebrity who becomes world-class in three 353 00:21:44,510 --> 00:21:47,370 separate jobs. There's no link between any of those. Julius Caesar, Roman 354 00:21:47,370 --> 00:21:52,810 Emperor, C-sections and salad dressing. What a weird... Thank you. Thank you 355 00:21:52,810 --> 00:21:53,810 very much, guys. 356 00:21:54,030 --> 00:21:55,650 Getting that round. The points go to... 357 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:03,240 Join us after the break for more Mock the Week. 358 00:22:11,740 --> 00:22:14,580 Our next round is called Picture of the Week. 359 00:22:14,820 --> 00:22:17,320 I just have a topic and everybody's going to have to tell me what is 360 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,360 happening. So team, what's going on here? 361 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,860 He's just woken up. He thinks he's at an auction for Greenland. 362 00:22:26,100 --> 00:22:28,720 This is Trump saying, would you like to see my dickie? 363 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,560 Is he asking, which one's the suit knife? 364 00:22:37,620 --> 00:22:40,560 Looks like he's trying to chat her up. He's going, you remind me of my wife in 365 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:42,220 that you're sitting at a different table to me. 366 00:22:44,100 --> 00:22:47,600 Is she saying, one more question and I'm going to go and ask for Angela? 367 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:51,180 Have you heard? 368 00:22:51,380 --> 00:22:53,400 They've changed the name to T.G. Jones. 369 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,940 It just looks like she's saying to him, honey, I cannot explain to you what a 370 00:23:03,940 --> 00:23:05,580 tariff is. One more time. 371 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:10,680 Looks like he's having a rare moment of introspection going, hey, wait a minute. 372 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:14,040 Do people, do people, am I a bad person? 373 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:19,140 Are you that little Miss Redacted I keep reading about? 374 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:25,860 He's saying, I have shat myself, but I think I got away with it. 375 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:28,600 And she's clearly going, no. 376 00:23:32,300 --> 00:23:33,940 have the correct answer. That is Trump. 377 00:23:34,180 --> 00:23:37,320 I think that's at the governor's dinner and that's his chief of staff, isn't it? 378 00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:39,800 I think so, yes, absolutely. Thank you very much. Well done, Ed Burns. 379 00:23:40,060 --> 00:23:41,060 Yes, 380 00:23:45,020 --> 00:23:48,140 this is US President Donald Trump who suffered a setback recently when the 381 00:23:48,140 --> 00:23:51,060 Supreme Court ruled that he had overstepped his authority by introducing 382 00:23:51,060 --> 00:23:55,000 a huge range of global tariffs without congressional approval last year. The 383 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:58,720 ruling raises the possibility that the US government has to refund billions of 384 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:00,360 dollars to businesses and consumers. 385 00:24:00,940 --> 00:24:05,780 How, and I presume it being calmly and with some consideration, has Trump 386 00:24:05,780 --> 00:24:08,900 responded to this? Exactly as you said, calmly and reasonably. 387 00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:14,000 That's weird because he's normally so reasonable about these things. I hope 388 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:15,000 everything's all right at home. 389 00:24:16,860 --> 00:24:20,320 I do feel sorry for them because Trump is a toddler and he has a toddler's... 390 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:23,000 psychology, and they keep trying to deal with him like he's an adult. 391 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:26,560 So I've got a two-year-old in my house, and he wants to get inside the 392 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:29,680 dishwasher. And you can't tell him he's not allowed in the dishwasher. That 393 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:33,060 makes him want it more, like Trump with the tariffs. You can't try and talk to 394 00:24:33,060 --> 00:24:34,060 him about consequences. 395 00:24:34,100 --> 00:24:36,900 There's knives in there, you'll hurt yourself, you might break it so no one 396 00:24:36,900 --> 00:24:38,400 has clean plates. They don't care about consequences. 397 00:24:38,620 --> 00:24:39,620 You have to do distraction. 398 00:24:40,060 --> 00:24:41,940 Supreme Court needs to get a little jar of jelly beans. 399 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:44,760 They need to find a neighbour with a puppy or a kitten. 400 00:24:44,980 --> 00:24:47,220 It's never too early in the year to start talking about Father Christmas. 401 00:24:49,300 --> 00:24:52,280 All that happened is I'm now just picturing Trump shitting on your carpet. 402 00:24:57,380 --> 00:25:01,200 It's really confusing and damaging for British business. What we want is 403 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:04,700 stability. What would be great, it would be great if we just, I don't know, if we 404 00:25:04,700 --> 00:25:06,620 had a trade envoy who... 405 00:25:09,939 --> 00:25:12,240 Maybe shared similar interests with Trump. 406 00:25:13,180 --> 00:25:15,780 But he is, he's doing this, the whole point of this is supposedly to support 407 00:25:15,780 --> 00:25:18,260 American businesses. So we need to retaliate by supporting British 408 00:25:18,260 --> 00:25:21,680 businesses. The most successful British business at the moment is OnlyFans. 409 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,340 What I've been doing is an act of patriotism. 410 00:25:28,420 --> 00:25:29,820 That hand isn't available. 411 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:32,800 Thank you. 412 00:25:33,260 --> 00:25:35,000 It feels like someone else is saluting. 413 00:25:45,390 --> 00:25:48,810 We all know what this is all about. This is all just to distract from the Gorton 414 00:25:48,810 --> 00:25:49,810 and Denton by-election. 415 00:25:52,150 --> 00:25:56,330 Moving on, why are female tortoises on a Macedonian island hurling themselves off 416 00:25:56,330 --> 00:25:57,750 cliffs? Well, I'm glad you asked this. 417 00:25:59,070 --> 00:26:00,930 Is that not the most contrived question? 418 00:26:01,810 --> 00:26:06,500 Why are female tortoises on a Macedonian island... curling themselves up because 419 00:26:06,500 --> 00:26:09,180 that's the mad libs that were on your fridge. 420 00:26:10,060 --> 00:26:13,020 Do you know what the funny thing is? I have no idea. I didn't read this one. 421 00:26:15,100 --> 00:26:16,700 You can all talk about yourselves. 422 00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:20,040 And I'll take out some glasses and read out what the fuck is happening in 423 00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:23,580 Macedonia. It's because of the men's tortoises. 424 00:26:23,780 --> 00:26:28,100 They would rather be dead at the bottom of a cliff than spend any more time 425 00:26:28,100 --> 00:26:30,840 being a heterosexual woman tortoise. 426 00:26:31,450 --> 00:26:35,430 The male tortoises have started biting their genitals to instigate mating and 427 00:26:35,430 --> 00:26:36,890 they're like, I'm out of here. 428 00:26:38,310 --> 00:26:39,450 That's the true story. 429 00:26:39,810 --> 00:26:46,730 The lady tortoises are trying to avoid the in 430 00:26:46,730 --> 00:26:47,730 -shells. 431 00:27:02,090 --> 00:27:06,050 The next round is called Between the Lines. It features Ed and Rhys. Would 432 00:27:06,050 --> 00:27:07,590 you make your way to the press pit, please? 433 00:27:08,250 --> 00:27:10,990 Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure on the world stage, 434 00:27:11,350 --> 00:27:13,470 while Ed will translate what they really mean. 435 00:27:13,750 --> 00:27:15,830 This week, Rhys is Keir Starmer. 436 00:27:17,930 --> 00:27:19,190 Finally, someone cool. 437 00:27:21,610 --> 00:27:26,530 Ladies and gentlemen, I have been Prime Minister for almost two years now. 438 00:27:26,870 --> 00:27:29,270 Thought I'd better let you know in case you were wondering who I am. 439 00:27:30,940 --> 00:27:34,200 I will carry on as Prime Minister as long as the people want me. 440 00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:35,880 Bye. 441 00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:41,560 There isn't a shred of evidence I knew what Peter Mandelton was up to. 442 00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:45,100 There are actually lots of shreds of evidence in the bottom of my shredding 443 00:27:45,100 --> 00:27:46,100 machine. 444 00:27:47,120 --> 00:27:49,860 I can promise you there will be no more U-turns. 445 00:27:50,700 --> 00:27:53,120 Terms and conditions apply at our full discretion. The Labour Party reserves 446 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:55,320 the right to backtrack on this promise without prior notice at a time 447 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:57,400 convenient to us and then pretend it was what we were going to do all along. 448 00:27:59,370 --> 00:28:01,670 A recent poll shows my popularity is growing. 449 00:28:02,470 --> 00:28:04,590 People prefer me to Prince Andrew and Hugh Edward. 450 00:28:08,550 --> 00:28:11,750 People have criticised me for my views of the transgender issue. 451 00:28:12,450 --> 00:28:16,510 And when I say people, I mean they. No, sorry, she. Do I? Oh, God. 452 00:28:18,950 --> 00:28:21,630 The last Conservative government almost destroyed the country. 453 00:28:22,430 --> 00:28:23,810 Time to finish the job. 454 00:28:25,860 --> 00:28:29,720 Labour has got to learn lessons and say the things our traditional voters want 455 00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:30,720 to hear. 456 00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:45,940 We... Don't know where that 457 00:28:45,940 --> 00:28:46,940 was from. 458 00:28:48,500 --> 00:28:51,240 If there are those who wish to challenge me, I am up for the fight. 459 00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:54,180 You want to do this shit? You want to do this? Be my fucking guest. I will 460 00:28:54,180 --> 00:28:55,180 straight up... 461 00:29:04,730 --> 00:29:06,970 So, everyone, what's going on here? 462 00:29:08,050 --> 00:29:10,270 Keir Starmer losing another seat. 463 00:29:11,870 --> 00:29:14,730 Imagine Keir Starmer is going, I thought whales would be bigger than this. 464 00:29:15,830 --> 00:29:19,790 Keir Starmer's misunderstood and thought the important issue was trans rights. 465 00:29:22,730 --> 00:29:24,970 I think he's thinking, can I derail this too? 466 00:29:27,130 --> 00:29:30,670 Has he just put them in the one mode of transport you can't do a U-turn in? 467 00:29:33,170 --> 00:29:35,390 When did the train just say the country? 468 00:29:37,590 --> 00:29:42,410 Oh, where are we going? Wales, when? 469 00:29:43,270 --> 00:29:49,070 I'm going to see it, say it. Oh, he's fucked it. 470 00:29:51,820 --> 00:29:54,620 Starmer's bored the cameraman so much, he's had to throw himself onto the 471 00:29:54,620 --> 00:29:55,620 tracks to take a picture. 472 00:29:56,920 --> 00:30:00,360 Is that a shot at West Streeting or a Prime Minister replacement service? 473 00:30:02,520 --> 00:30:06,200 Who has Starmer reportedly been advised to sack? It is West Streeting. It is 474 00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:10,240 West Streeting, yeah. Who I think is doing that sort of tactic of, you do 475 00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:14,020 that thing where you behave like you've already got the job that you want and 476 00:30:14,020 --> 00:30:15,020 hope people don't notice. 477 00:30:15,260 --> 00:30:17,260 But at the end of that round, the points go to Sarah Rees- 478 00:30:30,070 --> 00:30:35,010 I feel like I've just touched a US police officer's cup. 479 00:30:36,950 --> 00:30:40,050 The thing is, you've angered him and he's going to take it out on me later. 480 00:30:41,230 --> 00:30:42,910 I can't believe I've been part of a coup. 481 00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:48,060 It is distracting at work, isn't it? It is, yeah. When someone wants your job. 482 00:30:48,800 --> 00:30:52,280 I know. God, I've an insight into Chris Armour's world now. 483 00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:56,980 Glenn's even rolled up his sleeves like he's a politician. He's ready to start 484 00:30:56,980 --> 00:30:58,360 the job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 485 00:30:58,800 --> 00:30:59,920 Enough of this. 486 00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:03,900 Don't book Glenn again. 487 00:31:06,220 --> 00:31:09,040 Anyone else? Oh, no. Are we just going to leave it? 488 00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:12,200 Awkward power vacuum situation. 489 00:31:14,540 --> 00:31:17,720 someone says they're finding someone distracting at work, that does usually 490 00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:19,000 mean they have a crush on them. 491 00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:20,600 Who's got a crush on who in this situation? 492 00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:23,120 No, no, I'm talking about the Prime Minister again. Oh, sorry, okay. 493 00:31:24,460 --> 00:31:27,120 Bro, you really sounded like you had your hopes up there for a second, 494 00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:28,200 Darren. 495 00:31:28,220 --> 00:31:29,220 This is legit. 496 00:31:29,420 --> 00:31:30,660 Who's this crush you're talking about? 497 00:31:33,900 --> 00:31:35,180 Jeez, I wish I had hair. 498 00:31:44,170 --> 00:31:45,550 tension around the table today. 499 00:31:47,030 --> 00:31:51,010 Okay. At the end of that round, the winners are... Oh, I think the winners 500 00:31:51,010 --> 00:31:52,010 are over here. 501 00:31:53,090 --> 00:31:55,170 The winners are Emanuel, Reece and Sarah. 502 00:32:01,070 --> 00:32:04,090 Join us after the break for more Master Week. 503 00:32:12,010 --> 00:32:15,410 The next round is called audience question time. We throw ourselves open 504 00:32:15,410 --> 00:32:18,670 to the studio audience and invite them to ask us questions on any topic. First 505 00:32:18,670 --> 00:32:19,930 up, Jason. Is Jason here? 506 00:32:20,210 --> 00:32:21,270 How are you, Jason? Are you well? 507 00:32:21,470 --> 00:32:24,630 I'm well. Oh, Jason's the first, I mean, the serious person to stand up. You 508 00:32:24,630 --> 00:32:26,270 don't have to do it. We'll bring the mic to you. I'm going to stand up, yeah. 509 00:32:26,790 --> 00:32:27,870 I love it, Jason. 510 00:32:28,090 --> 00:32:29,650 Massive respect there, Jason. Thank you very much. 511 00:32:29,910 --> 00:32:31,130 Jason, what question do you have for us? 512 00:32:31,670 --> 00:32:35,950 I'd like to ask, what advice would you give someone that has just arrived in 513 00:32:35,950 --> 00:32:36,849 this country? 514 00:32:36,850 --> 00:32:38,590 Oh, thank you, travel agent. 515 00:32:42,890 --> 00:32:46,470 I probably just make stuff up. I tell them, see all those flags on the 516 00:32:46,470 --> 00:32:48,690 lampposts? They're just to mark the ones that need to be repaired. 517 00:32:51,330 --> 00:32:57,430 There's actually a Nando's hack that if you want to get yourself a butterfly 518 00:32:57,430 --> 00:33:01,870 chicken, don't order the butterfly chicken, because that's £16.50. 519 00:33:02,210 --> 00:33:08,310 Get two kids' meals, which is £13 total, but you get the same amount of food, but 520 00:33:08,310 --> 00:33:09,310 you're saving £3. 521 00:33:14,300 --> 00:33:19,580 Look at everyone going, oh, finally, Nando's is cheeky again. Now we're going 522 00:33:19,580 --> 00:33:23,260 for it. But I just want to know how the staff react when you arrive, order two 523 00:33:23,260 --> 00:33:25,120 kids' meals without Phil from with you. 524 00:33:25,400 --> 00:33:28,080 It's amazing that Glenn's going for your job and Emmanuel's going for Martin 525 00:33:28,080 --> 00:33:29,080 Lewis's job. 526 00:33:30,620 --> 00:33:34,360 It's the way that I order it when I'm in there. It's like, I'll have two kids' 527 00:33:34,500 --> 00:33:35,500 meals, please. 528 00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:45,120 Any other advice to people who are driving in? Get on a train and play my 529 00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:47,580 favourite game, Lake or Flooded Field. 530 00:33:48,340 --> 00:33:52,960 LAUGHTER So it's just a company we've made your way over, struggled through 531 00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:56,180 all the things to go, but now we are here. We can play Lake or Flooded Field, 532 00:33:56,320 --> 00:34:00,760 finally. He didn't say what he'd say to somebody who's come here as an asylum 533 00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:01,760 seeker. 534 00:34:02,220 --> 00:34:03,640 It's a visit to the country. 535 00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:05,240 It's a fun thing to do. Oh, OK. 536 00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:08,440 I took it as being... Look, I just took it as... Yeah, that's because you're 537 00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:10,120 obsessed with them, Darry, you right-wing dick. 538 00:34:10,699 --> 00:34:11,699 LAUGHTER 539 00:34:13,100 --> 00:34:14,760 He's the classic legitimate immigrant. 540 00:34:16,219 --> 00:34:17,940 Pull the ladder up. 541 00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:21,080 I'll let you in. 542 00:34:22,500 --> 00:34:23,560 You were there first. 543 00:34:23,820 --> 00:34:24,820 Yeah, you were. 544 00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:26,699 I'll clap it over you while you're on the ladder. 545 00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:32,120 I would say, if you have just arrived into the country, people refer to a shop 546 00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:33,120 called W.H. Smith. 547 00:34:35,540 --> 00:34:37,040 Gone. It's gone. 548 00:34:37,300 --> 00:34:38,480 For T.G. Jones. 549 00:34:38,780 --> 00:34:40,460 For all your stationary needs. 550 00:34:42,139 --> 00:34:43,880 Okay, thank you very much, Jason. Thank you. 551 00:34:46,340 --> 00:34:50,679 And Anita, by any chance. Hi, Anita, how are you? Hi, nice to see you. 552 00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:54,960 What question do you have for the panel? Do you have any dating tips? 553 00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:56,400 I'll take this. 554 00:34:57,740 --> 00:35:00,180 A burner phone. That's my first piece of advice. 555 00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:03,880 And hide it under the floor with a loose floorboard and put it on silent. 556 00:35:05,700 --> 00:35:06,720 I've got a good dating tip. 557 00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:09,240 If you go to Nando's, you can get two kids. 558 00:35:11,940 --> 00:35:14,740 If you've got nothing else to do on Valentine's Day, I know where you can 559 00:35:14,740 --> 00:35:15,740 feel something. 560 00:35:17,160 --> 00:35:20,420 I'd wait until after the start before suggesting a threesome. 561 00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:27,100 I'll give you the advice that my mum gave me when I was 20, which is be very 562 00:35:27,100 --> 00:35:30,180 careful who you get pregnant by, because you'll have to see him every two weeks 563 00:35:30,180 --> 00:35:31,180 for the rest of your life. 564 00:35:33,380 --> 00:35:37,300 Absolutely watch your behaviour, because it's the slightest thing, somebody will 565 00:35:37,300 --> 00:35:38,680 just decide, no, no chance. 566 00:35:39,160 --> 00:35:43,320 A friend of my wife was once on a date with a guy and she decided, absolutely 567 00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:45,560 not, because he licked his knife. 568 00:35:45,980 --> 00:35:49,100 That was it. Whilst they were having dinner, he licked his knife and she 569 00:35:49,100 --> 00:35:50,280 went, boom, that's it. 570 00:35:50,540 --> 00:35:53,780 And I just thought that was such a minor thing. But she said, well, if he's like 571 00:35:53,780 --> 00:35:55,900 that on a date, imagine what he's like at home. 572 00:35:57,300 --> 00:36:00,880 Is he going to come home and he's going to have his balls in the cutlery drawer? 573 00:36:03,980 --> 00:36:06,360 Also, did she actually do the mime? Because when you say lick someone's 574 00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:09,340 knife, you're doing it like it's like he's just licking off some gravy. But 575 00:36:09,340 --> 00:36:13,920 what if he was like... Look at her right in the eye. 576 00:36:14,240 --> 00:36:16,960 And it wasn't like it was a knife that he had in a special leather. 577 00:36:18,620 --> 00:36:25,220 Thank you very much. Thank you very much. 578 00:36:27,420 --> 00:36:32,360 Now we come to things we'd like to see. So if everyone can make their way over 579 00:36:32,360 --> 00:36:33,360 to the performance area. 580 00:36:33,670 --> 00:36:36,350 I'll read out the three topics and see what our panellists can come up with. 581 00:36:36,730 --> 00:36:42,250 OK, here we go. The first subject is... Strange flyers to get through your door. 582 00:36:43,730 --> 00:36:45,530 Come work for us at IKEA. 583 00:36:45,770 --> 00:36:48,770 Even if you get a rejection, it's always good to get your foot in the flogging 584 00:36:48,770 --> 00:36:49,770 slough. 585 00:36:53,190 --> 00:36:54,470 Problem with rodents? 586 00:36:54,990 --> 00:36:57,930 So have we. That's why our pizzas are just £9.99. 587 00:37:03,150 --> 00:37:04,670 can get rid of your gran. 588 00:37:08,530 --> 00:37:11,450 Do you want to learn to sound like you're ending a news report? 589 00:37:11,690 --> 00:37:16,110 Well, with your help, we could make sites like this a thing of the past. 590 00:37:19,870 --> 00:37:21,410 Do you need your locks fixing? 591 00:37:21,630 --> 00:37:25,090 Well, you found this flyer on your bedside table, so I'm going to say yes. 592 00:37:29,350 --> 00:37:30,470 Problem with pests? 593 00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:32,720 Imagine how the royal family feel. 594 00:37:35,340 --> 00:37:36,760 Do you need flyers printing? 595 00:37:37,100 --> 00:37:39,380 Me too. That's why I'm screaming outside your house. 596 00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:46,020 Enjoy this money-off coupon for Nando's. Just tell them you're two children. 597 00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:51,000 Mini Mike and his tiny hands. 598 00:37:51,260 --> 00:37:52,260 No job too small. 599 00:37:57,940 --> 00:37:59,140 Do you need a psychic? 600 00:37:59,380 --> 00:38:01,200 No? God, I'm bad at this. 601 00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:05,520 This is not junk mail. 602 00:38:05,820 --> 00:38:08,380 Although, technically, I am a mail, and it is my junk. 603 00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:17,280 The Amdram Society presents a plumber trying to fix a broken toilet in Harper 604 00:38:17,280 --> 00:38:19,020 Lee's to swill a blocking perm. 605 00:38:25,180 --> 00:38:28,700 Three holidays away, all I have to do is vote reform. 606 00:38:46,250 --> 00:38:47,250 I suddenly need an osteopath. 607 00:38:47,410 --> 00:38:54,290 Call 0800... Each night, the bombing 608 00:38:54,290 --> 00:38:57,670 intensifies. That's right, Rhys James is back on tour. 609 00:39:01,530 --> 00:39:05,750 Need a comedian for an event but find Miles Jupp a bit too funny? Try Glenn 610 00:39:05,750 --> 00:39:06,750 Moore. 611 00:39:12,210 --> 00:39:13,430 Yeah, fuck Glenn. 612 00:39:19,500 --> 00:39:22,300 If you've read this, please stick it to your fridge or the child who made it 613 00:39:22,300 --> 00:39:23,380 will have died for nothing. 614 00:39:26,800 --> 00:39:32,460 Our survey has discovered that 90% of residents in this area don't know that W 615 00:39:32,460 --> 00:39:34,020 .H. Smith has changed its name. 616 00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:40,200 I've been watching you masturbate through your letterbox. 617 00:39:41,060 --> 00:39:43,280 Please stop masturbating through your letterbox. 618 00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:51,960 maximum wear and tear, dressed up as Margaret Thatcher. 619 00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:54,940 If found, please return to Glenmore. 620 00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:03,760 Local Tex-Mex burger joint. 621 00:40:04,040 --> 00:40:07,560 Lone Star. That's not our name. That's our hygiene rating. 622 00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:13,400 The name is not for turning. 623 00:40:26,670 --> 00:40:29,370 the 3rd of May for your local Women's Institute gathering. 624 00:40:29,630 --> 00:40:32,990 There'll be raffles, cakes, and Margaret's famous slut drops. 625 00:40:37,350 --> 00:40:39,130 Come and spend the day where? 626 00:40:39,950 --> 00:40:41,470 Oh, Diggerland. 627 00:40:47,410 --> 00:40:50,810 Filthy curtains, dirty floors, untidy back garden. 628 00:40:51,030 --> 00:40:52,930 Short your life out, you filthy fuck. 629 00:40:55,690 --> 00:40:59,130 The next topic is unlikely lines from a children's book. 630 00:41:00,110 --> 00:41:03,350 So, you're telling me you kissed a sleeping woman without her consent? 631 00:41:04,270 --> 00:41:06,010 We're going to have to strip you of your tile of prints. 632 00:41:10,090 --> 00:41:11,550 By David Walliams. 633 00:41:13,990 --> 00:41:18,030 It was a blustery day in the Hundred Acre Wood. 634 00:41:18,730 --> 00:41:20,330 Pooh trudged along the path. 635 00:41:20,850 --> 00:41:22,590 Hello, Al, he said to Al. 636 00:41:23,190 --> 00:41:24,970 Get a shirt that covers your dick! 637 00:41:33,500 --> 00:41:37,780 And then Dumbo said, do you want to see my elephant impression? 638 00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:47,120 And I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll 639 00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:49,080 blow all of you, said Bonnie Blue. 640 00:41:53,420 --> 00:41:56,640 Who's been sleeping in my bed, said the cuckold bear. 641 00:41:59,940 --> 00:42:02,240 Someone's been eating my porridge, said Mummy Bear. 642 00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:05,100 Someone's been eating my porridge, said Baby Bear. 643 00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:08,360 Someone's been drinking my piss, said Bear Grylls. 644 00:42:12,860 --> 00:42:17,700 Someone's been sitting in my chair, said Hugh, while he was watching this show. 645 00:42:21,799 --> 00:42:25,380 And Rapunzel's hair continued to grow until it was long enough to reach all 646 00:42:25,380 --> 00:42:29,240 the way from the top of the castle down to the floor outside, as the wait 647 00:42:29,240 --> 00:42:32,500 continued for Man United to win five games in a row. 648 00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:38,800 And why am I called after Paddington Station, said the bear? 649 00:42:39,140 --> 00:42:41,220 Well, I've got a lot of people into reading. 650 00:42:42,240 --> 00:42:43,640 No, reading. It's reading. 651 00:42:47,020 --> 00:42:52,740 As he unzipped his trousers, the giant yelled, Pee-fi-fo-fum, you won't believe 652 00:42:52,740 --> 00:42:53,960 how much I cum. 653 00:43:04,340 --> 00:43:06,880 OK, that is unlikely. 654 00:43:14,030 --> 00:43:16,950 Don't worry, Piglet, said Pooh, Eeyore's just having a bath and we should... 655 00:43:16,950 --> 00:43:17,950 Where's our toaster? 656 00:43:21,650 --> 00:43:24,670 My, my, Grandma, what big tits you have. 657 00:43:31,110 --> 00:43:33,790 Rapunzel, Rapunzel, throw down your weave. 658 00:43:37,650 --> 00:43:39,790 I think Alice has fallen down a rabbit hole. 659 00:43:40,250 --> 00:43:43,190 She keeps doing weird tweets about how 5G gives you X-Files. 660 00:43:46,030 --> 00:43:50,670 And when Alice awoke, thinking of all of the crazy things that had happened and 661 00:43:50,670 --> 00:43:54,590 the strange people that she'd met, she thought, I'll never take ketamine ever 662 00:43:54,590 --> 00:43:55,590 again. 663 00:43:58,170 --> 00:44:01,310 No, Gollum, I won't stick me finger in your ring. 664 00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:09,320 Wow, said Charlie, a chocolate river. He couldn't believe he was at the Thames 665 00:44:09,320 --> 00:44:10,320 facility. 666 00:44:13,280 --> 00:44:15,320 What big teeth you've got, Nana. 667 00:44:15,640 --> 00:44:17,400 I've just come back from turkey love. 668 00:44:20,940 --> 00:44:24,800 And if we leave a trail of breadcrumbs, we can find our way back, said Hansel. 669 00:44:24,920 --> 00:44:28,240 How dare you waste food when the world is burning, said Greta. 670 00:44:33,770 --> 00:44:37,490 Professor Snape is off six, so Professor Freud will be filling him. Feeling him. 671 00:44:37,530 --> 00:44:38,530 Fucking him. Sucking his dick. 672 00:44:41,230 --> 00:44:43,770 That's the end of that round. The points go to Zoe, Ed and Glenn. 673 00:44:47,510 --> 00:44:48,670 That's the end of the show. 674 00:44:48,910 --> 00:44:52,710 This week's winners are Sarah Pascoe, Rhys James and Emmanuel Saboody. 675 00:44:55,210 --> 00:44:57,790 Commiserations to Zoe Lyons, Ed Byrne and Glenn Moore. 676 00:44:59,550 --> 00:45:02,410 Thank you for watching. I'm Dara Breen. Good night.